I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
