Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
