I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
