I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
