so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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