watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
