i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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