we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
