I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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