I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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