Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
