one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
