He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
