I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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