Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
