I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
