this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
