It's like God shit irony all over that family
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
