No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
