am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
