they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
