Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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