If that was your dad, he is hot
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
