I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
