drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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