Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
