final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
