I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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