Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
