my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
