You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
