dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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