Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
