mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
