Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
