She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
