I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
