you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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