Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
