wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
