You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Someone shit on the floor
I just threw up on my dentist
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
