I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
