Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my sisters under your porch take her home
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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