I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
