Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
