My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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