ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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