3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
