I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
