the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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